Life and Love and Why

As we grow older, our definition of love changes. It constantly changes, grows, and rearranges, just as we do. A healthy sign of any particular language is that it is changing: new words are being added to the dictionary. Even though sometimes, our ideas of love might not be anywhere near the truth...when we are depressed or annoyed...it is a sign we are alive. I suppose it is our hope as a human race that the older we get, the closer we are to the raw truth of what love really is. Lately, I have been amazed at how drasticly my personal concept of love has changed. The idea of "harsh love" has never been more apparent to me than now in the role I serve as a teacher. The cute, silly, young romatic love that Hollywood makes a fortune off of in those Romantic Comedies, never lasts longer than the two hours we sit in plush movie-theatre seats. Real love is immensely different, often a mix of large amounts of pain and anger, mundane-ness, and serious joy.

Amy Carmichael once said, "If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider 'not spiritual work' I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

And this is what almost scares me. For having lived in Honduras now, about 8 or so months, certainly the "honey moon" phase is way over. Life is routine now, and sometimes mundane. But in correlation, that is what love is all about. Love really comes alive, not through a one-week mission trip where I can act like the Pied Piper and get all the little kids to help me carry bricks (although, this is one aspect of love, just not as deep), but through the day-to-day tasks of teaching and yelling, demanding more, and laughing at the silly mistakes I make, and the silly things my kids say to me. (Two of my girls recently told me I have a large toosh, hah) And the same goes in any aspect of life. Living overseas to many people brings forth the idea of constant adventure and fun. But living overseas, in many ways, is the same as living in the states. Sure there are less conveniences, but life finds its routine no matter what soil we land on. And in the routine, we figure out, struggle with, and learn what love really is.

The odd thing is, it is the people I get frustrated with the most, who I love the most. Love endures all things, says the Bible. That means, it aint no fairy tale. Not that I ever really believed it was, I certainly had ideals that could never be a reality. Nonetheless, the year 2006 has brought me one large step closer to the concept of what real love is, even though I yet, have a lot to learn. It has shown me, one inch deeper of what it means to be a Christian. To hold onto God when no one else around me is. I've wrestled more with the concept of being Christ-like than I ever have before, which is a lot, as I've consistently wrestled these ideas a million times in conversations during college. (thanks to all those who contributed) Yet this time, I've wrestled more with myself. If being Christ-like and loving Christ means loving people in a very non-romanticized non-hollywood-like way, if it means realizing just how sinful I am, and just how deep his grace for me is, if it means that walking this path will not get easier, if it means that I have to not always want the ideal "spiritual for which I crave" or rather, the "adventurous", then well, maybe I am one step deeper in my faith, even though the mistakes I've made are stronger and deeper than ever before, and the learning process is ridiculously harder.

I imagine that 2007 can only get worse. But in getting worse, it gets better. For truly, the definition of love can only grow stronger as I wrestle more and live longer.