Four

I'm in the states for about four more days. I try rather hard not to think about how I'll be gone for a year. I'm not very good at committing to things. Amazingly enough, I lasted at my last job (during college) for that long. I didn't think I'd make it. I've wanted to live in another country for quite some time now, but as the day approaches, I feel anxiety, fear, and excitement all in one. I think I was pretty lucky because I had a few months to see if things worked out for me down there in Sigua. And because I lived in Nica before, Sigua seems so developed to me. As I've written in my previous posts, I have fallen in love with the kids I teach down there. There's not too much to complain about. But will the lovey-dovey stage quickly fall apart as I return and my mind plays the "oh my gosh I'm here for THAT long" game?

I've always lived a life of comfort, and even though folks are always amazed at how I can travel in some of the conditions I've traveled in, the thought process was always, "Okay only four more days of this, or only one more day on the river with the crocs." This time, it will be like, "Okay only 360 more days." I hope my mind doesn't revert to that mentality. I pray I can just enjoy the time there and learn as much as possible from my students, from my environment, from my fellow human beings.

I really am looking foward to new adventures, both in and out of the classroom. But a whole year of no targets, walmarts, chic-filas and rootbeer? It's amazing how quickly life seems to change. It's as though once college was over, all this adult-like thinking took charge. Even the things I thought would always stay in that "idealistic state" are starting to fall to the ground of reality. Falling in love is no longer just what happens. I suddenly have to look at the logistics of a future mate: education, financial stability, if he would ever consider living outside the US, if his dreams somewhat line up with mine, if his parents could handle me and my italian- ness (including the crazy italian family--madonna mia!). And in the category of careers, it's no longer just teaching for a year in Central America. I suddenly have to prove to others that this is a stepping stone to a better career. And I must list what skills I will gain from this experience that will help me move up in the ladder of success. Do I plan to stay for one year or five?

Not that life was ever not complicated (yes, double negatives and I'm an English major :-P), but suddenly it seems all the previous complications were so much smaller. And where does God fit into all this? I used to think if there were two paths in front of me one was definitely from God, the other wasn't. And maybe like those "elect"-like thinkers, that is true, and we just always pick the right one. I think God can be found, well, anywhere you go...no matter what happens to you. What would life be like if I was living in the states working at a newspaper writing the cops and courts beat. I wouldn't be learning the same exact things I am about life, love, and God, but I'd be learning about those things nonetheless. I certainly prefer to be teaching PE (which usually means me playing soccer with my 11 year olds) to sitting at a cubicle typing up a story that means nothing to me. But maybe there will come a time when I have to, as they say in Honduras, "Hacele huevos." (Suck it up, pal) Maybe I will have to follow my head instead of my heart, at least to get to a point where I can fund the following of my heart. $250/mth might not even be a rung on that ladder of success. But maybe success isn't a ladder at all. If only one was paid by how many people he made smile that day. In my idealistic world that I've held onto for so long--and will continue to as long as I can--I am rich with a currency that has no monetary value. But there are too many ladders. Too many economies of monetary blah blah blahs.

Can't I be four again?