Monday, October 31, 2005

She sat Indian style


She sat Indian-style on her flower-printed bed spread. Letter in hand staring blankly at the picture framed on the wall. Suddenly her eyes began to burn. They turned red. Bloodshot. Then silver as a tear trickled down her right cheek leaving a trail of a gray, sulfur-like residue that seemed to burn her skin on its path.
The same thing happened as a tear dripped from her left eye. Her lips quivered and her mind took her to another place. The silver dripped on her hand transforming the peach to gray overcoming her whole body like a drop of food coloring overtakes a glass of water. The flowers on her bedspread disappeared, blending with the new color of her legs. The letters of the note she held in her hand came off one by one, the black melting into gray. The whole time her eyes steady on the photograph straight in front of her.
The walls, the floor, the dresser – all shiny silver. Everything but the picture was melting. As she sat there she suddenly had the point of view of herself in the photograph. Her father’s arm felt heavy on her shoulder like dead weight. She saw herself sitting on her bed staring and silently crying.
The ceiling fan became metal and was mixing up everything in the room like a blender. She looked over at her dad. His eyes were red and his body motionless. She poked him and he fell over.
Bang. Bang. The sound of his knuckles against the wood reminded her of gun shots. Her eyes flinched, but her ardnet stare endured. He opened the door and saw her sitting on her bed.
“Honey, are you okay?”
“Yeh dad. I’m fine.”
“I’m leaving now. I dont know what’s going to happen.”

Silence.

“You know this has nothing to do with you. It’s between her and me.”
“Yeh dad. I know.”
“I love you.”
“Yeh dad.”

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Valelapena


I dont care if you find him dancing in a bar. I dont care if it's in the midst of tradition, or by yourself with your head in a pillow. I dont care if you find him in the eyes of a starving child or the hands of a homeless old one. Written in the skies is his love for you, pouring out of the atoms in the air, from the smile of a child to the tears of a childless mother, he is smiling and crying just for you. Find him, for he is worth looking for.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Life Changes

Life changes at the speed of sound, but mostly it seems like its the speed of a turtle. Then all of the sudden, its time to move on, jump down, and make a fool of yourself somewhere else. I want something I can touch and see and smell to hold onto. Grounded. Something grounded. I try to have faith, but like the father Jesus encounters in Mark, I too cry, "I believe. Help thou my unbelief." Somedays I think I understand life, most days I realize I dont. And especially now as my college days are coming to a close (thank God) I question and doubt and analyze what life really means. "A reverent heart will surely be/Unbroken/With no regrets/Should I be/Lost in forgetfulness/With no regrets" I can't say I have regrets about my college experirence, and I am quickly realizing how much drama the path I have chosen has saved me from. But still, if I had chosen different things in certain situations, I'm sure my college life would have been dramatically different. And some of those decisions would not have been wrong. All my previous ideas about how God intervenes in life have been up in the air lately, thinking that there are some decisions where there is more than one right answer...or rather "right" is not necessarily in existance. What one man believes is waiting on God, another believes is passivity. What one interprets is not the path I should choose, another says go for it. Is God relative? no. Is absolute truth relative? no. But there are some gray areas that God will be glorified in whether we choose what is behind door #1 or door #2. There are certain truths and definite consequences to sin. But there is a freedom man has in choosing that goes beyond those absolutes. Not only do we have the freedom to choose, but we also have the freedom to say, "My choice will not ruin God's will." It is a freedom to believe in the power of God.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Brown Skin


back in the beginning of august, on a boat ride to Bocas, I was so squashed with others that a baby boy ended up on my lap and fell asleep in my arms. I've got no picture to show for it, but sometimes we aren't supposed to have film to back up every memory. for a moment in time can be precious just as it was received, with no proof for others of it ever happening. it's my memory, and this is what I chose to do with it:

Your brown hand I held in my palm
Coffee eyes peering into mine
The tight curls on your negro scalp,
A whisper from the God of time.

Lips right off an artist’s easel –
Same color as your mother’s palm
A brown much darker than my own
You fell asleep in these white arms.

With eyes so big, a mind so young,
I, the stranger, held your head,
Color of skin matters not to you –
A mother’s smile on a river bed.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Can't promise

I can't promise this will be the last of posts relating to Argetina, but I'll try not to get too boring. Here is something I wrote for the school paper about Argentine life:

You wake up as the sun rises and the roosters crow. The smell of fresh bread excites your stomach as you open the door to the streets of Campo Gallo, Argentina. Although this would be a good time to take a deep breath in and sigh, if you did so, the dust in the air would force you to cough up more dirt than you have the energy for right now.
You greet your mom with two kisses on the cheek and tell her you aren’t going to school today. Everything here is relaxed, even the concept of education. She doesn’t yell at you for not going; she never went to school and she is no lower on the poverty line than those who were educated.
Your younger brother is wearing the shirt you wore yesterday, so you find one of his t-shirts – there are no possessive pronouns in this town. Since you aren’t going to school, your mom tells you to buy some bread for breakfast. This morning, you don’t feel like walking farther than two feet, so you ask your neighbor if you can borrow his bike. Of course you can.
Your siblings head off to school never questioning why you aren’t going with them. This is normal village life. You help your mom clean the house and cook for lunch. Off to the bread store again for lunch rolls. Everything here is made fresh.
Everyone returns from school, businesses close down for a few hours and lunch is served. While the kids run around in the streets playing soccer, the men sit in a circle and sip their famous Argentine tea, mate, from a thick silver straw in a small silver-coated wooden mug. It looks like an Indian peace offering as each man takes a sip and passes it to his neighbor. Your mom and her friends are there to refill the cup.
It’s nap time. The whole town is quiet and every bed is occupied.
Late afternoon approaches and you head to the center of town. Bicycles line the plaza as if the roads were made from them. Here you find your grandpa and your girlfriend, not together, of course. The old men sit on the benches in the back, left corner, while the teenagers normally occupy the front and center where the statue of some war hero stands. The plaza is never empty, a whole lot of chatter takes place here: who likes whom; mom, I want some ice cream; back when we were younger...
In a place where a piece of fabric suits just fine as a door and windows are holes in the wall, entertainment here must be cheap or, better yet, free. So you play soccer on the grassless land with a flat ball. You surf the internet with friends at the cafe, the one place you’ll find computers in this town. At home, you blast your music to feel the rhythm. This is good entertainment. And here, noise is not a social disturbance; it is a way of life.
As night approaches, the plaza fills up with teenagers as the adults and children trickle out. You and your girlfriend take a romantic stroll through the dimly lit, dusty roads around the plaza.
This is your life’s routine. If it satisfies you, you will wake up tomorrow and do the same thing.
But if you rebel, if you want more or find no nourishment in this lifestyle, you will seek a way out. Rich in social gatherings but poor in economic standing, this town doesn’t offer you many options. The big city of Buenos Aires is a 12-hour bus ride away. But for most, it’s OK that your brother’s shoes have holes in them, it’s OK that you wear the same t-shirts every week. It’s OK that you fight the same battles and see the same results. Change is a dream, and sleep here comes twice a day. So you can dream all you want.

Friday, October 07, 2005

InLoVe


There's a scene in the movie In America where Johnny asks Mateo if Mateo is in love with Johnny's wife. Mateo answers "No... I'm in love with you. And I'm in love with your beautiful woman. And I'm in love with your kids. And I'm even in love with your unborn child. I'm even in love with your anger! I'm in love with anything that lives!" Johnny then realizes Mateo is dying.
Argetina grabs a hold of my mind and wont let go. It was the children. Palao, Martin, Junior, Gabrielle. I am in love with them all. They have no idea how much I think about them and how often I contemplate ways in which I can return to their land. Have you ever been in love? Not with one person, but a whole community? I'm in love with the old women who cooked our meals, with the teenagers who took me out to parties, with the fathers who joked around with me. It is these people that I wish could be at my intramural soccer games. It is them I want to show my good grades to. I want to bury my head in their laps when I cry. I want to change the world for them. I am in love, but so far away from my lovers.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The 5th Sense

When we as human beings need something we are denied, or deny ourselves, for so long we will have one of two results. We will either madly jump in when the fifth sense does come (and we have let down our walls) even if it is not with the right person; or we will learn to live without it and we will deny it towards others. For not only should we receive it, but also give it. How long can man live wihtout this fifth sense? In the absense of pure touch, we see anger, resentment, impurity - because we try to make up for what is lacking in the wrong way.
I imagine a school teacher continues to return every year despite the politics she must deal with because of the touch she receives from the innocence of childhood. (I'm sure there are other reasons attached to this as well) Her job is more fulfilling, and more difficult, than the secretary at the desk because of the fifth sense. A child is not afraid to hold the teacher's hand, cry on the teacher's shoulder, or kiss her face. Of course not all children do this and not all teachers condone such behavior. But those who do not receive their fair share of this sense at home, lack in one major area of life. I imagine the worse sense to lose would be the sense of touch. I'd rather be blind than numb. But with my 20/20 vision (with my glasses) I see so many fathers, students, sisters numb to their family, their peers, their community.
Now on the other side of this, too much touch might possibly lead someone on. And a person who is so set on receiving it, when they don't, abuse another in order to find fulfillment. We are relational beings. We ultimately desire intimacy. Pure, deep intimacy. I am convinced we cannot find that on this earth. Yet we can see and hear and smell and taste and feel God's love for us through the giving and receiving of the fifth sense when we give as pure as our tainted hearts can.

Quiet

Quiet me with your singing
Quiet this restless soul
Let me be still
Oh God, let me know
You and You alone
Hold the world in your palm
Quiet me with your singing
Sing to me your song.

Estad quietos, y conoced que yo soy Dios; Sere exaltado entre las naciones; enaltecido sere en la tierra. -salmos 46:10

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Go

Go and watch the movie CRASH or CONSTANT GARDNER or THE WOODSMAN and walk in another man's shoes.