D and his travels

A friend I met in Panama wrote these words:
Inside my thoughts: I know I am not unique when I question what I want to do with my life. I wonder... how many older adults have lived agreat happy and complete life, but when they look around they realize it’s not the life that they asked for? It just happened, day by day, and they never did anything to change it. At a young age, life unfolds innocently and carefree. Parents, government, and social expectations largely define, guide, and determine the course of a child’s life. Bythe time I was 22 I had only made a few real important decisions. Then in a short period, the path so nicely laid out in front of me disappeared. The sun still rises, and sets. Days pass. But now it’s up to me to move forward (or in some people’s opinions move backwards). Each step I take is my choice. Which direction do I move? I know onething for sure: I do not want to randomly end up somewhere. I’m sureif left to chance, I would wake up someday having lived a great and fulfilling life--yet one that you did not choose. I’m not a mindless living blob that purely reacts to environmental stimulation. I am a thinking, acting, decision making person that can actively determine what my contribution to the world is going to be. So now... what will those be?? While I think it is important to be open minded and flexible enough to adapt to life’s offerings, I also think it is important to have a motivated purpose--or gift you give to the world. And that’s the inside of my thoughts for now....

I guess D, and I, and probably a lot of other people are in the same position, that is in our mind. There are so many options open now that I am done with college, and sometimes I think there are too many. Mostly, I want to live a life of purpose. I dont want to get caught up in the routine of doing things just because that's what I do. I hate the way life can sometimes suck the life out of itself. I want to stay passionate, have a cause to fight for. But the truth is, maybe I, too, will wake up someday looking back on life and realizing that the path I wanted to take I never did. That life somehow had it's own plan and mixed me up in it. There are a couple of options I'm looking into right now. I think I mostly need to figure out what desires I am willing to sacrifice, at least for the time being. I'm too idealistic sometimes, but idealism is something I still find in others, and something I still admire. Like D, I want to give the world my gift, that I think has something to do with speaking Spanish, writing, and giving children a better future. I hope the path I want to take is the path I do take...I guess we all do. Providence will decide, and meanwhile, I'll keep writing and hoping.

Meet Farris

Meet Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old prep school student from Florida who decided to travel to Iraq on his own b/c of his ideals. His mom did not know about his trip until he was in Kuwait. Farris says,
"I feel guilty living in a big house, driving a nice car, and going to a great school. I feel guilty hanging out with friends in a cafe without the fear of a suicide bomber present. I feel guilty enjoying the multitude of blessings, which I did nothing to deserve, while people in Iraq, many of them much better then me, are in terrible anguish. This inexorable guilt I feel transforms into a boundless empathy for the distress of the misfortunate and into a compassionate love for my fellow man ...

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless the one who gives them.

Going to Iraq will broaden my mind. We kids at Pine Crest (School) live such sheltered lives. I want to experience during my Christmas the same hardships ordinary Iraqis experience everyday, so that I may better empathize with their distress. I also want to immerse myself in their environment in order to better comprehend the social and political elements ... know going to Iraq will be incredibly risky. There are thousands of people there that desperately want my head. There are millions of people there that mildly prefer my demise merely because I am American. Nevertheless, I will go there to love and help my neighbor in distress, if that endangers my life, so be it ...

If I know what is needed and what is right, but do not act on my moral conscience, I would be a hypocrite. I must do what I say decent individuals should do. I want to live my days so that my nights are not full of regrets. Therefore, I must go."

For more info about him, check out www.miamiherald.com

Not there

I am happy I’m not there anymore. (there isn't a tangible place)I never thought I’d say that. But it’s true. When you are there at the wrong time, you put yourself in a cage. And at first it looks as though the cage is good, it will protect you from outside harm. It will entertain your mind because you have the hope you will come out at the right time. But the cage closes in on you, and you forget to feel. You forget to understand. You don’t get hurt, but you don’t get anything. You are sad at certain times, but there are no passions allowed in a cage. You aren’t thoroughly disgusted with yourself because you do nothing. You aren’t overtly proud of yourself because you dont do anything. The cage is gone now. And I screw up. But I learn about myself every time I do. I get yelled at, I recognize who I am, even if it’s not who I want to be. You learn to get up, even if you are just going to fall again. You make up rules to live by, that you sometimes break. You annoy yourself with all the thoughts of what if and when will this happen and how do I want to live my life. This is life outside the cage. Open the door.

You’re free to dance-
Forget about your two left feet
And you’re free to sing-
even joyful noise is music to me
You’re free to love,
’cause I’ve given you my love,
And it’s made you free
I have set you free!
-ginny owens

Craig's Journey

A friend in the Peace Corps wrote this:

It's another day in Bangladesh. I still can't believe I'm here. Christmas is coming, Thanksgiving has passed and I almost forgot it was that time of the year until the office texted me today saying I have clearance to come to Dhaka on the 24th, 25th, and 26th. "OK. Cool. But for what?" It actually took me a few seconds to understand why. "Oh yeah...Christmas!"

Don't worry...unlike my site-mate Kathryn...I haven't completely lost it. She's struggling to get through each day and understandably. The current situation has been difficult for a lot of people and volunteers are continuing to leave the country. (Notice I didn't say call it quits, throw in the towel, or give up. That isn't the case at all. A lot of people can't handle this country for one week let alone four months. Heck...one volunteer didn't even get on the plane when we left from San Fransisco and another left after the first two days of training.)

After recalling the reasons I came to Bangladesh and comparing them to my recent way of thinking I've come to realize that my reason for being here evolves into something different everyday. Before I boarded the plane in New York on August 6th, I had a romanticized vision of changing the lives of many and that Bangladeshis would be so happy to have me here. That's the cliche Americans attach to the Peace Corps and it's the same one I used to explain why I joined. I don't blame myself...I blame naivety...that little thing that nags away at our brains when we focus too much on the status quo. I don't know what Peace Corps is.

I probably won't do anything noticeably effective here because this culture isn't too keen on change. It's difficult to explain, difficult to cope with and at times my work here seems useless. Yes, I'm learning a lot about Islam and Bangladeshi culture. I'm teaching people English. I'm making new friendships. But I don't feel productive. There are too many things holding Bangladesh back from real development and I think my two years here are more of an observation than anything else. I'm trying...I'll always try...but I think it will take a long time for me to find an angle...maybe I never will.

It's hard to change a conservative culture and I wonder if the only reason I think things are backwards here is because I'm a Christian man. It's hard to change people who don't want to change and...because I'm so stubborn myself...maybe I'm a hypocrite for trying to get them to see things my way.

But what the hell...it's an awesome adventure.

El Enemigo

My old enemy came to visit today Hoy vino a verme un enemigo
a man hermetically sealed Se trata de un hombre encerrado
in his truth, En su verdad
like a castle or strong-box En su castillo como una caja de hierro
with his own style of breathing Con su propia respiracion
and a singular sword-play Y las espadas singulares
sedulously stropped to draw blood. Que amamanto para el castigo

I saw the years in his face: Mire los anos en su rostro,
the eyes of tired water, En sus ojos de agua cansada,
the lines of his lonliness En lineas de soledad
that had lifted his temples Que le subieron a las sienes
little by little to consummate pride. lentamente, desde el orgullo.

We chatted a while in Hablamos en la claridad
broad mid-day, in windy De un medio dia pululante
wind that scattered the sunCon viento que esparcia sol
on all sides and struck at the sky. Y sol combatiendo en el cielo.
But the man showed me only Pero el hombre solo mostro
his new set of keys, his one Las nuevas llaves, el camino
way to all doors. Inside him, De todas las puertas. Yo creo
I think he was silent, Que aldentro de el iba el silencio
indivisibly silent: Que no podia compartirse
the flint of his soul Tenia una piedra en el alma:
stayed impenetrable. El preservaba la dureza.

I thought of that stingy integrity Pense en su mezquina verdad
hopelessly buried, with power Enterrada sin esperanza
to harm only himself; De herir a nadie sino a el
and within me I knew Y mire mi pobre verdad
my own crude truths shamed. Maltratada adentro de mi.

So we talked-each of us Alli estabamos cada uno
honing his steely convictions, Con su certidumbre afilada
each tempererd by time: Y endurecida por el tiempo
two blind men defending Comos dos ciegos que defienden
their individual darkness. Cada uno su oscuridad.

-Pablo Neruda, traducido por Ben Belitt

Un Lugar

A place exists in our memory only within the context of a relationship. It isn't that this dorm room is special, it is the interactions I've had in it with friends...BJ's dance parties...that make it special. As life continues on its changing path, there are many memories that I will hold onto from this one place called HPU. From my freshman year, BSG's became a active part of my life, CCC, FHA, PTL, and all the memories that go along with each acronym. Sliding down the hill by belk on my belly during a snow storm, trying to learn how to break dance even tho I'm wretchedly horrible at it (but I maintain that I am an inside-out oreo...yeh, this girl has rhythm!)Camping trips with Cru and OAC, white water rafting and free tshirts, eating hotdogs and smores roasted on fires all over NC. Climbing on the roof, no I wont say with whom or what roof! RA doooodie nights which meant moooovie nights, painting carpets to wood blocks to the rock, leaving school early to go to China, leaving a semester to go to Nicaragua, skipping school for a week to go to Argentina, singing with jonnnny boy even tho he always picks on me, never knowing anyone's name at the beginning of the semester. Learning to adapt my ears to SB's thick accent and wondering if I can ever fully understand her. Analyzing life with WPAPHMASJBSWJPLBEAJM and MGSLBHJI those fav profs of mine, and my BHG's and even tho the rest of us know the H stands for hugs, JA swears it stands for something else. It's so weird that my life of academics is now going to be officially over. It's all I've known for so long, and even though this place holds a lot of great memories, it's time to move on, even if moving on right now only means returning to the folk's home. I'm glad FB is around so I can keep in touch easier with a lot of hpuers. Hopefully I'll be in another country within the next five years, hopefully I'll be a journalist for a while, hopefully I'll put into practice all that I have learned here. Sometimes I look back and wonder what difference did I make. Maybe none, but the people in this place have certainly taught me a lot. Mostly that generalizations aren't always true, that friendship exists in many forms, and that time swashes around every relationship. And that God is the sure foundation in whom "I will not greatly be moved" Thats it. I hate saying goodbye to places and people. I hope when I head out of this world, I wont have the time to analyze my life, because the truth is there's a lot of reluctant lessons I've learned in college, memories you dont want to hear about as a reader, memories I dont like to remember. Life is sucky at times, and amazing at others...often its neither high nor low. its when you look back that you see how much the good times stick out and how the bad times....well they always teach you something.

Sanctus Real

"Everybody wants everybody else's everything"
Ezekial 16 talks about Israel as an insatiable people.
There are truths that expand beyond a single generation, a single era...truths that defy time.